Priorities

What are your priorities in life?

We often charge ahead in life thinking about plans for the future, things we want to do, things we desire to either have or experience. As human beings we are naturally hooked into our pleasure zone.  If it feels good, do it – a slogan by rock bands and other eminent speakers scattered around the globe.  Sometimes we even live in the moment, an oft-repeated phrase by the mindfulness well-doers.  There are times when we must forward plan so that life in the moment can be truly enjoyed.

Delayed gratification is an element of planning and waiting for the best to come.  Living in the moment may be instant gratification depending on viewpoint.  How does this tie in with priorities?

A sermon I listened to the other day started off talking about priorities.  We make priorities in our minds and then we live as though they are not.  One example chosen was of a husband and wife who supposedly made their life together a priority when they came together in “holy matrimony” [alter as appropriate as live in lovers commit to each other, or civil marriage].  But then come those ideas about identity, status and security.  The man is hardwired to be the hunter gatherer, believing this is the best for his marriage and his family.  This “hunter / gatherer” instinct is of course now displaced in terms of going to the office.  Men immerse themselves in their chosen careers and this can range from the sublime to the ridiculous.  In the simplest form a man may be a worker doing his 9-5 and coming home each day to his family.  More extreme would be an office job that can be exceptionally demanding – sales, marketing or running a large multicultural business where regular overseas travel is part and parcel of the work.  At another end of the scale is someone who works in the forces and thus away for weeks at a time.  Women desire security, and that security may come in the search for a man who can provide or at the very least is there for them and loves them unconditionally.  There are many different shades of this, without reference to a book of a similar title.  Already we can see a degree of conflict with these work / family roles.

Priorities shifted, people make adjustments to their lives in order to cope, exist in a way that still lends itself to some pleasure.  But the focus is (arguably, implicitly) now no longer on the union or the family, it is on the individual.  We are some way from the original social connections and so new ones are often forged as a result.  The longer term is not viewed in the same way as those hopes and dreams that were connected at the start of the union.  Each individual within the social arrangement knows this, deep down but everyone is unwilling to truly address it because at some level it works.

But one day it doesn’t work.  One member of the party is hurt by the other’s behaviour, however that manifests.  There may be a pull “away” from the social union, a felt or sensed “rocking” of the boat.  The life of the union as an entity is challenged as one member of the union makes a bid for a different understanding, a change or a departure in any shape or form – physical, emotional.  Alternatively the individuals – now relaxed with each other – let their guards down and the true person is now revealed – all this time they had been “behaving” themselves but now with the union somehow comes a relaxing of the ways.  We start behaving in ways we never would have considered for a moment whilst we were still “courting”.  Back to those primal wounds we hadn’t given credence to as children because we weren’t strong enough and out they come in adulthood.  Attachment disorders, for wont of a better phrase, are now expressed in full, glorious Technicolour.

Perhaps a discussion or an argument takes place.  And the result is that one member is upset and states something like “but I work all the hours to support our family”.  “Yes, but we never see you, our relationship has been dormant for years”.  Or a crisis occurs, a member of the macro or micro family network dies or there is a serious illness.  The family unit has to decide how to respond, challenged as it may be in its disparity or emotional distance.  Or another member of the family suddenly wakes up to this somewhat empty emotional life and makes a bid for freedom.  The boat is well and truly rocked.

My belief is that until we as social beings truly understand the power of social connectivity and stability we will continue life as individuals furthering our individual causes, finding our own inner truths – but this will continually serve to endanger securities and our survival as a species as we do what is “best for us”.  By all means love ourselves but this needs to spread throughout before we can truly become united.  Serving society and the wider picture comes with an element of fear because of those who do not hold this truth, believing that violence leads to change which gives rise to other strong emotions; utter dislike towards those who use violence to support their cause and a defiance that this “hatred” will never triumph over love.  But this does not bring loved ones back.  So what is the point in any strong opinions, save those that further the human cause of connectivity and Love with a capital L?

We may ironically be divided by belonging, different groups – our opinions and feelings.  Perhaps divided through fear and desire for control, and in control we can find our way forwards, right?  Not so.  The numbers of people whom I have seen for therapy feel utterly uncomfortable because at some level they have lost control of something they held important.  Perhaps they took their eye off the ball of their relationships, their work or career, perhaps they feel unwanted by another because the sense of not belonging was too traumatic a feeling to consider.  Maybe they tried “too hard” in a relationship that was not reciprocated. More often it may be a loss of purpose, a raison d’être, if indeed they had found one that was right for them.  Or a growing sense of realisation that their eyes had now been opened and a search for that purpose had now begun.

Things that happened to us whilst growing up affect us profoundly.  They steer us in a way that may not be right for us as individuals.  We may have felt unwanted, abandoned or abused by our primary caregivers and so believe ourselves to be unworthy – even though, at some level we know that we are, it’s too difficult a concept to consider – so our priorities are – at a primordial level – about self-preservation and protection.  And that protection can come at a real cost in that we may inadvertently shut people out.  I know that deep down we know ourselves to be worthy otherwise we wouldn’t take care of ourselves, we wouldn’t seek therapy (retail or talking!), we continue to eat and drink.  Those that give up affect me profoundly – but in learning new therapies I wonder if I can make small changes in this world that are ultimately for the benefit of our collective mankind.

I write of course from experience, through flow, and through understanding.  In writing this I face some aspects of me that feel uncomfortable at times yet in truth, I hope I write with some knowledge that priorities are fluid, shifting, ever changing.

Many different therapies can help people in all of the above that I discuss, somewhat spuriously and in a very free flowing sort of way.  Core shifts in identity are often desirable to feel better and give more without feeling depleted.  Sometimes it is not a cure that we seek – but a time to process.  Some will say that is self-indulgence – but then again, weren’t we talking about priorities?